Relief

Nothing scares me the most than being on hold for a doctor whilst awaiting test results.


I can pace and smoke as many cigarettes as possible, but nothing will make time tick by faster.


I have recently been losing some of my hair, basically receding in a way. Not noticeable from "normal" glance, but if I flip my hair over you can see. I am convinced after hours of research online that I have a form of Alopecia.


Now, as I mentioned in a previous post about the weight issues, I recently went back to the doctor to find out about the hair loss. I was was nervous, actually not having been to a doctor in literally 10plus years (other than my "baby" doctor), to see what he had said. I also had lost about 10 pounds after my current "stress breaker" of moving back in with my parents/having two jobs/raising baby etc.


He never said weather my already gone hair will grow back, I hope it will. I also dont think it will.:(


It really is a sucky feeling to have your beautiful hair, your one thing that sets you apart, your security blanket falling out. Strand by strand.


And I can do nothing.


So, doctor pulls 5 vials of blood, and turns out *everyone gasp for this one* - perfectly healthy! other than coming up "low to normal" on D vitamin and Folic Acid, blood is fine. Platelet count is fine. I'm not fucking anemic. Ever. Wont ever be. So, I'm happy to report that I am not dying! 


He did ask me to come back for some more testing, to count my autoimmune numbers or something, and I know that has to do with the alopecia. (See, Google search does help!) 


He never said that I do have it, we are still trying to figure out why i am losing my hair. 

So, we wait. 


I've thought about posting pictures of my hair on here, but as a young impressionable woman in today's mean world I decided not too. 


I'm already put down because of one thing, I don't need another reason! 


I still find it amazing that I can hold test results that say nothing is wrong with me, and yet feel like something is wrong. It's a very hard feeling to explain. I can be having the best day, biggest smile, and one asshole's wrong look or comment can ruin my day. All because he or she is some judgmental asshole. 


I am in NO WAY perfect. I will be the first one to tell you I judge people. 


You mean to tell me I'm walking to my car on the way home, dark, and alone, and I'm not judging the homeless guy walking in front of me? Oh yeah, I've plotted out his attack in my head. He's already dragged me to the alley and chopped me up in my head. 


You mean to tell me two extremely obese ladies are running across the street to go to... The Cupcakery and I'm not gonna crack a smile? Come on people! 


Now, I'm not one to be like "Hey Fatties! Yogurt is next door!" because, that would be so rude. 


It's a dangerous double standard. I'm sick of it. 


Honestly, in my life, once I realized I am my own person and capable of achieving great things life got easier. I wasn't "against the world" or anything like that. (I have a little brother who seems to think the world is out to get him. He also smokes a lot of pot, so that may have something to do with it. I love my brother though, so fuck off.)


Once I got over what EVERYONE ELSE thought I was fine with who I am! Hell, I AM FINE. I am perfectly happy. 


Very disappointing in the doctor for first thing first, let's get you on antidepressants kinda attitude. 


I NEVER said I was depressed. 


Ever. 


I am not in any way depressed. 


Yeah, life is rough. I get over it. 


One of my favorite bands is Fall Out Boy. 


I can't even recall the song name, but there is a lyric that goes, "And I have to take a pill to make this town feel okay." 


I dont want to be like that! I'm happy! I smile! Yes, I have bad days.


It's just frustrating to feel perfectly normal and fine, and have an entire world telling you you are not.