Weekend

It was a very long weekend for me. I'm having some family problems at home, completely brought on by the fact that I can not make any decisions on my own. Everything I do is wrong. It's never enough. 

I moved back in with my mom and step dad almost a year ago, and have two jobs.

It recently occurred to me that whilst I do work two jobs - they are both still considered to be part time jobs. (I work 4 days at the ho-tel and 2 days at the hospice)

Now, with Obamamamacare I'll be forced to purchase insurance through my full time job.

Oh shit, well I don't have one of those! 

I work my ass off working two jobs, but none are considered "full time." So what's a girl to do?

I've given a lot of thought, and of course, something has got to give. That something being a job!

I am a now person. If I make a decision I make it NOW. I don't wait three weeks and "see how it goes" or whatever. I was promised maybe the opportunity of full time at the hospice, and well now I know that was a crock of shit fed to me.

So, I made a decision. I quit the hospice center. This weekend will be my last week, thank the LORD above. 

Now, while I am all happy with my personal decision to not be talked down upon, taken for granted, made fun of for the clothes that I wore (I wore my hotel outfit one day and two different people commented on it) and the best part about it all? NO MORE HEALTH CARE FIELD. 

I know I want nothing to do with the idiot doctors and nurses out there. Granted, not all of you are idiots but a good 97.3 percent of you all are. 

On top of gaining a bit of freedom - I am happy to think about the time I now have to do stuff. 

My mom has been on a rampage of everything that I do wrong - including actually telling me that I don't spend enough time with my daughter. 

Well. 

Mom.

Weren't you the one who told me to get two jobs? I did that.

Working two jobs - yes, I am left with no spare time to be with Skyleigh. I pay for a babysitter - and most of the time (if I have the day off or something) Skyleigh will spend a vast majority of the day at Shelly's. I pay for the babysitting service, so she is going to sit my baby. 

One big hitch with the second job was my mom and babysitting help. Shelly can't watch Skyleigh on the weekends - and so my mom agreed to watch her (Since the hospice only worked me on the weekends). That was fine and dandy, but my step dad's little comments here and there got old quickly. 

Skyleigh was asleep, and I was going to go over to my friends house. My mom and step dad have both said this is okay, ONCE SHE IS ASLEEP. Well, so I start getting ready - and then my step dad chimes in - and I quote - "No one can make bottles."

? What ?

Did your hands fall off?

Fingers broken? 

Arthritis acting up? 

So, I did what any girl would do. 

I threw a fit and cleaned. I didn't go out. 

I even made 4 bottles and put them in the fridge, you know, in case he forgotten how to twist a top onto a bottle. 

But when I throw fits, it's silent but deadly fits. I will be mute for days and days, hours and hours, and not even look at you. Everything becomes a mission on how to clean it. How can I get in YOUR way, while you watch TV and be lazy, to clean. 

It's just stupid. I am so sick and tired of walking on eggshells in my own house, afraid of how someone will react to anything I say, or do. 

I quit a two day a week PART TIME JOB, and you'd think the world was going to end. 

I have another job, a damn fantastic one that I love. 

I hated the hospice. Yes, it was my kinda thing being in the dead zone, because death isn't something I am afraid of. I am so used to death it's scary. But also sitting there all day all I could do was think about the people I have lost. And I have lost a lot of people. 

So here I am. 

Back to one job. 4 days a week. 

Happy.

I know that working two jobs was straining me. I'm losing weight (but gained almost 7 pounds of it back) and my hair is still falling out. Like I've mentioned before I'm stressed beyond belief. My mom talks to me like a 5 year old, and while I do thank her for her opinions in how to raise Skyleigh - but I have to do it on my own. 

It's like I can't even be a mother, because my own mom is right there. I enjoy my mom's help, and am so thankful for her, but I get tired of being talked to like a 5 year old. 

It's just annoying to do SO MUCH and it's like, for what? We don't focus on the fact that I worked two jobs, took care of Skyleigh, did all this, cleaned, made your dinner every night I was home. 

All we can focus on is that I no longer have a fucking weekend job. 

___

Another issue around the house is the small living room remodeling we have going on right now. 


And when I say small, I mean it started out small and has just escalated into a huge ordeal. 

It started because the air conditioner leaked water into the hallway. We had to take the hallway carpet up. 

Rob and my mom were arguing one day, and Rob was having a tantrum and ripped part of the living room carpet up. Then It all came up. Now we are re-doing walls, painting, and all this other stuff. We got a new french doors back door as well, that I LOVE! 

We are getting bamboo floors which will look great once they are in. 


I will post pictures soon. 


___


That's really about it. Just surviving through the weekend! 


Just a lot of stuff going on. Hopefully now that I have it typed it I feel a bit better. 


___

What If

I go through life with a lot of, "What if's?" 

"What if my grandpa wasn't killed by a 19 year old drunk driver?"

"What if Kevin would have never killed himself?" 

"What is Kasey Kahne married me?"

"What if I had an easy life?" 

I didn't have the toughest childhood in the world, but I have been through some stuff. I have seen, heard, and gone along with a lot of things. Once I grew up (and it took time, actually, I still am growing up!) I realized that it's just a bunch of What if's! 

"What if this car decided to come into my lane right now?"

That sentence describes my irrational fear of dying in a car.

"What if this storm coming had a tornado?" (which would go into) "What do I need to go and "batton down" in the backyard? / Where would I take Skyleigh during a tornado?"

"What if I would have turned left instead of doing straight?" 

"What if we would have gotten that other kitten instead of this one?"

Anything can be a What if question. 

____

One of my Favorite bands, Simple Plan, has a song that is called What If. It's a great song, you should check it out sometime. Here are some of the lyrics: 

What if I lead the way?
What if I graduate?
What if I change the world?
Would you still remember me?
What if I lead the way?
What if I graduate?
What if I change the world
And I found the words to tell you what you mean to me?

___

This song just rocks and comes back to my mind whenever I try and think what to blog. 

"What if I was a good blogger?" 

"What if I thought people actually care what I write?" 

___

I am a good writer. I have always been one. 

Actually I have weird handwriting. 

Funny story: 

When I was in Elementary School (in 6th grade) one of my teachers kept sending notes home for my dad begging him to "work" on my handwriting. This was back when they still taught cursive (or wanted to teach cursive) and the desire to learn the cursive z was escaping me. 

I have about 3 different handwriting's I have mastered. 

A big "girly" bubbly one, a very "arial" type font, and then my messy scribble handwriting. 

Of course my three handwriting's can be broken down into other handwriting's if the paper is tilted. 

I have watched many shows on people that study handwriting's, and I bet them 50 dollars I can write my y's and d's differently each one. Can't find a similar bubble lettering with it! I'm smarter than the average bear! 

___

So "What if?"

"What if I still had your attention while reading this?"

"What if I had a different life?" 

Of course, if I had a different life, I would be very different. I wouldn't even want to imagine the sheltered child that would have brought up! I was a sheltered child, becoming myself around the age of 20. At least I like to think so. Raised by my dad has been hard on me. Lots of issues in my brain because of this. 

"What if my parents never had gotten a divorce?" 

They probably would have murdered each other, then us. 

I'm happy my parents both love me, and aren't crazy child killers. Us as a family do have PLENTY of problems (I could write a book!) but I get over them. 

I do complain a lot. 

I know I do. 

I don't really care. 

What if I cared? 

What if?

Morning!

It's been a quiet morning here at work. We had a bit of a rush, but now that everything has settled down, I have some time for a quick blog session! 


At the hotel this morning, and my manager is now set up with Adsense on her blog. She originally had it set up on her YouTube account (and is making a fair/decent amount of money), so now she's been organizing her beautiful blog for her new Adsense account! 


I am happy to report that I have sold my laptop! My lovely HP with broken monitor, yet the back HP light lights up, is going to a happy home in Tennessee! He is pay-paling the money to me later. I am so happy I sold the thing! Now, time to shop around and get a new laptop. :D Sucks having no money all the time :(


A lot of earthquakes have been happening in and around North Texas. I have yet to feel anything in Fort Worth, but they are getting pretty close. I believe it has something to do with the huge Barnett Shale we are sitting on, but everyone (involved in that) says no. I'm sorry but you mean to tell me that you are going to dig a huge hole miles under the earth, blow up the dirt, suck the "gas" out, then leave? Um, you are leaving lots of little holes under this Earth. The huge hole you have left is going to collapse in upon it'self. You may tell me no, but I'm sorry person. It may not happen in your lifetime, or in mine, but it could happen in my daughters life time and that is not cool.


She may be the all mighty powerful Mother Earth, but you guys are damaging her beyond repair. I recycle everything I can get my hands on, and yet we have people coming and knocking on our door wanting to bid on the gas that is underneath the house. We had another lady stop by and TELL US, not ask, but TELL us that they were going to be drilling (sideways mind you) right under the house. So we have holes, sideways tunnels and all sorts of damages going on, and the workers and employees are telling us, no, everything is A-ok. You can't tell me everything is okay when we are having Earthquakes ALL AROUND. Earthquakes aren't supposed to happen in Texas. I could maybe believe the story of one or two earthquakes and the "ground moving/adjusting" but this has been going on for months. Numerous earthquakes. Granted, they are smaller magnitude earthquakes, but my house shaking is my house shaking. It's not good!


I guess when Dallas collapses in upon it's self they'll get the memo. I'll make sure to be there with me "No, it's okay!" sign! Haha. 


__


I have realized as I get older, I become more and more of a smart ass. I realized I had a voice when I was about 20 years old. I have become very bold in what I will say.


I say I was a "sheltered" child, being raised by my dad. I was a good kid, following rules, not getting into (much) trouble, and doing fairly good in school. 


Then I got out of High School, realized none of that matters and it's basically to each their own. I do have a few friends that I try and stick with, but times are changing and people are growing up. 


I get a lot of Twitter comments of people commenting that I speak my mind. I speak my mind, and type whatever I want. I don't see why everyone is surprised by this. I try to be as honest I can! I also love when my blog is described as "Random yet Funny." Because that is me. Random. And Funny. :D 


I used to be very shy. So shy, Painfully shy. I would just sit there and observe. I even had people come up to me at a party or something and (jokingly) say "She needs to shut up!" ... because I never talk. Of course everyone will say they are shy when you first meet them. I used to be that way. I'm still an observer, I am a people watcher!


The birth of my daughter changed me a lot also. I can't just sit back and stay quiet while the world passes us by. I have been taken advantage of, and walked off over and I just woke up one day and said NO MORE! 


I have been in one abusive relationship (mentally abusive), and I look back and realize how stupid I was. I was just young, and stupid, and he liked me. That was the bottom line. I ended up moving in with this idiot, who was bi-polar and took no medication. He took drugs though. I lived with him for almost two years and had everything taken away from me. He slowly sucked my friends away (I couldn't go see anyone because other guys could be there. God forbid someone looks at me!). I had one friend, Tierni, who I met through him, and she was basically it. He didn't even like it when I went to my own mothers. One day, like a sign from God, he wrecked his truck and his mother called me at work. I explained to her that I was going to get all my things and leave the key - and she agreed. I was very scared to leave him, even though I knew very well he was in jail, still, my heart was beating so quickly. Tierni came and met me at 11 pm at night and we literally THREW my stuff in a black trash bag and I slept at her house that night. I look back and when I ask myself, "Jessica, why didn't you just leave?" - It's funny the excuses I give myself. 


Of course, number one was, I was scared shitless. He never ever hit me once, but he did choke me once. He was crazy. He would have these "episodes" I would call them, where he'd walk to the kitchen and just open and slam the cabinet doors. So weird. I was supposed to meet my dad at the NASCAR race, and he actually FOLLOWED my car to the track. He was convinced that I was out to sleep with every person with a penis apparently. Just shows how stupid and naive I was. I never cheated on him or anything, he was just crazy. 


Now, I know how to say no. I know how to say, "No boyfriend, I am going to go home tonight and sleep in my own bed." Because last time I didn't say that I ended up being (practically) held hostage for two years. I kid you not. 


Anyways, my buddy just got here. 


It's smoke break time. 


And It's Tuesday. 

Eye Candy!

I was born with a cataract.

The dictionary defines a cataract is a clouding of the lens of the eye. This is all well and true. 

My parents didn't figure out that I had a cataract until I was about 2 years old. 

 

This is the youngest picture of myself I could find, and my cataract was in my right eye. You can see a tad bit of cloudiness, but I understand the flash is there as well.

I had corrective surgery when I was 4, receiving a donor lens. The lens did not work, but changed my eye color. (I have one blue eye and one green eye naturally. I was born with blue eyes.) My eye color changed probably when I was about 9. 

When I was 8 years old, I was instructed to wear a patch. The goal was to cover up my good eye with a patch, leaving me to see (nothing) with the other one. I hated every minute of this. I remember peeling back the inside, then "peeking" as my mom would say. She'd yell, "No peeking!" and I'd have to close the patch back against my skin. I would sit on my rocking horse and rock for the amount of time I had to be in that patch.

Everything was fine until I turned 16, and was able to drive. 

I will never forget the idiot woman at the DMV. I had already attended my drivers ed classes, passed, been driving for a few months, and was there to take my picture! 

She has me do the eye test, so she has me read the first line. Alright, I can do that. Now, what they dont tell you, is why you are saying the letters, they switch it over to the other eye. So my screen goes black, and I looked at this woman and said, "Oh you are going to have to switch it back. I can't see out of this eye, and I'll just read a few more lines." Thinking that would be okay. 

OH NO. You'd have thought this woman had seen a ghost. 

A girl, who can't see out of an eye? She had never heard of such thing!!!! 

Asks me to go to a eye doctor, and get him to write down that I can not see out of said eye. 

So I was pissed. I hadn't been to an eye doctor in YEARS, and I'm running around town trying to find an eye doctor who can simply just write "Blind in right eye." 

I ended up going to the mall (16 year old thought process, haha), and went to the LensCrafters. I explained the situation, showed him my pretty 'I have a donor lens" card, and he agreed to help me out. 

He "eye tested" both of my eyes, and wrote whatever this lady needed down. 

I go back to the DMV. Same lady. I get up there and she wants me to take the eye test AGAIN. 

Exact same thing. "Ma'am, can you switch it back...etc." 

So, before she starts in on she needs a doctors note, i wave this stupid piece of paper and my state hospital issued card.

"Please read the bottom line." 

It's the tiniest line of letters, but I read it. I have IMPECCABLE vision, superhuman even, in my left eye. "My Superman eye." my mom calls it.

Finally, I got the damn picture taken. Beautiful perfect picture! 

___

During High School, classmates actually made fun of me because I had two different eye colors. I even wore contacts to make them the same color.  They would say I didn't really have a cataract, only old people have cataracts, whatever you can think of, they said it.

Everyone knew I couldn't see out of the eye, some people probably thought it was a fake or glass eye. 

Nope, all my eye people. Just a dead dudes LENS. That's "inside" the eye. See, if you would have paid attention in school.... you'd know this :)

I took this picture right out of high school, and it is one of the few (pictures) that actually shows the color difference. Most people don't know I'm legally blind in my right eye. When I tell them it's always, "Oh Yeah now I see the color difference!" 

I did brighten the color up just a tad in the picture.

Also, a cool tid-bit about my cataract.... my eyes are always dilated differently. Right one is smaller than the left one. Always will be. 

And that's my fun story of my cataract!